Supply and Demand: Why Rice Queens rule the Gaysian World

Rice Queens Supply and DemandSome people have interpreted my recent posts on rice queens as being too harsh.

I’ll paraphrase one particularly poignant comment that made me think:

How dare you say that rice queens “don’t care about you”? My love of younger Asian guys is a kind of orientation, just like being gay in the first place. I don’t have any control over who I’m attracted to. And I deeply care about and love the young Asian guy I’m with. I would never “trade him in for a younger model.”

I don’t doubt that rice queens can and do care deeply about the Asians they’re with. There are many kinds of “orientations” or fetishes that seldom draw much scrutiny, like straight men who only date blonde women who are younger and shorter than them. No one accuses them of not caring about their blonde women. Yet it’s just as targeted as the fetish rice queens have for younger Asians – racially, physically, and age-wise.

Besides, the elephant in the room is the fetish that gay white men have for each other, which we rarely think of as a problem.

So why should I give rice queens such a hard time?

It’s not that I don’t think rice queens should be allowed to have their fetish. My libertarian side believes that everyone has a right to have whatever fetishes they want, even if they creep me out.

What bothers me is the perverse power dynamic that lets rice queens exploit their position for immense pleasure at the expense of gay Asians.

I happen to know the man who made the comment at the beginning of this post. He’s a fifty-something white man who complained of being rejected by an Asian man in his twenties. The fact that he even has a realistic chance with Asians less than half his age is a result of this power dynamic. Despite his claims of ignorance, he’s reaped huge benefits from from this dynamic – he’s been with several twenty-something gay Asians, the latest defeat being but a brief interruption in an otherwise enviable hitting streak.

What’s behind this power dynamic in the Asian-white dating market? Supply and demand, of course!

  1. Gay Asians love white men. Lots of supply. Only 12% of gay Asians would only date another gay Asian – the overwhelming majority are open to dating white guys.
  2. White men prefer to date each other. Low demand for Asians. No other race comes close to white men in how much like they to date each other – 43% of white men would only date another white man.

What this means is that there’s vast pool of gay Asian men chasing a relatively small number of white men willing to date them. Gay Asians reply to white men 55% of the time, compared to 35% for the other way around.

This phenomenon is especially pronounced in cities like San Francisco where there’s a high proportion of Asians. San Francisco is a rice queen’s paradise.

In any relationship, the party with more choices holds most of the power, and an attractive gay white man has far more choices than a similarly endowed gay Asian.

Rice queens can and do exploit this advantage to no end. Obviously, the exact degree of power enjoyed by a rice queen varies based on the situation. A relatively unattractive rice queen could land in a city like Taipei without any plans or even a hotel reservation and expect to be treated like a king. In such a situation, it would be hard for the rice queen not be a jerk. With so many prospects out there, why should he put up with the slightest physical or personality defect?

Rice queens outside of Asia need to be of a much higher standard to engage in such behavior. Yet they generally still enjoy a much higher degree of power in their relationships than their age and attractiveness would otherwise command.

This dynamic can be harmful to both rice queens and gay Asians. Rice queens, at least during their prime dating years, have a hard time settling down because they have too many suitors to choose from. Potato queens have a hard time keeping rice queens in their clutches. Non-potato queen gay Asians suffer too, as most other gay Asians are too busy pursuing white men to notice them.

In the end, the market settles into a sort of equilibrium where a given rice queen can score a gay Asian significantly younger and/or more attractive than himself. One might say that gay Asians sell at a very heavy “discount.” Such is the way the market works.

Rice queens enjoy out-sized dividends as a result of being born white and being open to eating rice. I have nothing against rice queens. If anything, the world needs more of them to satiate the throngs of potato queens out there.

The gay Asian dating market is screwed up. Until such time as gay white men fall in love with Asians en masse, or gay Asians snap out of their collective potato obsession, rice queens will rule the Gaysian dating world.

96 thoughts on “Supply and Demand: Why Rice Queens rule the Gaysian World

          1. Not in my case. Always liked from my late teens, effeminate but not too effeminate guys. No offense intended to very effeminate guys. It just not for me. It’s a world and sexual attraction is a kaleidoscope. You got a mole on your lip? Someone, somewhere,
            will love it! Lol.

  1. For me it seems like:
    Young good-look white guys Young good-look white guys only
    Mid-age good-look white Mid-age good-look white guys/young good-look white guys only
    Mid-age “plain” white guys/older white guys Mid-age “plain” white guys/older white guys/young good-look Asian guys
    Older white guys Older white guys/young good-look Asian guys/young “plain” Asian guys
    ???? Young “plain” Asian guys/mid-age general Asian guys
    Maybe older Asian guys alone forever???

    1. My first serious relationship was at 19 with a Chinese guy. I didn’t see myself as a “rice queen”. I wasn’t until ten years later, when Ifirst visited Asia, that I realised I was a “rice queen”. That’s because I saw in Asia lots of guys that I found attrative whereas in Europe I rarely saw guys I liked.

  2. Until Asian gay men snap out of their potato obsession that means only 12 % of Asian men will date another Asian man my chances are as a gay Asian man is bleak! It’d be great to see more data, however, my personal experience can vouch for my equal amount of rejection from Asian and white men due to my race. At least celibacy and chastity is still an option? Personally, I’m just so sick of white guys and friends telling me I’m handsome, smart and accomplished and I should be “out there” having fun. They don’t get it! Gay Asian are excluded in the sphere of pleasure. You don’t think I’ve tried?

    1. correction: I’ve received an equal amount of rejection due to my Asian race from all men not just Asian and white men. The hegemony against Asian men being perceived as desirable is powerful. I’m so sick of living in an imperialist white capitalist patriarchy supremacy!

      1. Futhermore, get the f out and go back to Asia and date Asians if you hate it and white men so much. No loss missing another picky bitchy “my shit doesn’t stink” Asian.

    2. I think you’ve tried plenty. Tried for what every other asian has tried for. Which is FAR more limited then this author would deicietfully like you to believe. Asians, “en mass” as the author says, all seek exactly the same kind of white man. If a white man varies ever so slightly from this very precise AHW stats, forget it. So, as a lifelong RQ (not just when I could no longer get young whites) I have to say SF Asians get exactly what they deserve.

  3. What are was to the Asian community do to begin and create some kind of unity and community to collectively fight hegemony of white supremacy? What are ways we can create consciousness raising to resist this obsession with honkies? The Asian identity is a fractured and complex one. Technically Asia begins as far East as the dot islands near the International date line as far west to Turkey. Also, if we gay, Asian, men who are enlightened know that white men will not really be there for us how do we also remain strong when we face horizontal violence from our own community? What are some more ways Asian gay men can find empowerment and build community?

    1. If someone does not like redheads..Well big deal! Do redheads pass the age of 10 give a f@#k? Should they care? Maybe in the future what physical type you like will be irrelevant.

    2. Jameel, I know your comment was posted two years ago, but the time couldn’t be more appropriate to answer you questions. This is why we are fighting for whitewashing on the media toady, why people are criticizing “Ghost in the Shell” for casting a white actor to play the lead role, or”Birth of the Dragon” has to be told through the perspective of a fictional white character, or how “Stonewall” replaced people of colour and trans” folks with a fictional straight-acting white man.

      I think the first step is for all of us to realize that those are not small things, and our sufferings are somehow chained up with each other. These small things will accumulate and eventually become a giant, destructive boulder. People don’t just suddenly become offended by things in one night or two. The problems are always there, and we have always been voicing our opinions, but many of our voices used to be silenced. The same principle applies to the Gay liberation movement if you really think about it. In many countries still, the locals still deny the existence of LGBT* folks, while LGBT* aren’t even allowed to have a public voice, which forms a vicious cycle.

  4. Jameel makes a good point. How can Asians also gain support and experience the pleasures of dating and romance or even plain sexual gratification from their own Asian community when other Asians despise other Asians in favour of being subjugated to white supremacy? Is there hope of alternatives besides solitude for a gay, Asian, man who wants to satisfy a human need to socialize?

    1. Subjugated?? You mean by always demanding white send the 1st msg, that white pay for all dates, that we must “understand your culture” (because clearly you were forced here at gunpoint), put up with you being too “shy” to shower at the gym (and thereby put up with your STENCH during date that we will pay for)?

  5. How do we start to heal the pain of racial and sexual oppression from patriarchy? What are strategies to respond with compassion to horizontal violence?

  6. Asian people in general are more open-minded to anything and are generally smarter than white people. We really dont care much who we date as long we can benefit—free housing, money, immigrant visa, etc. We have to think of the practical things. Not that we are atttracted to white men, we just see them as an opportunity to come to Europe/America and overtake the economy. Asian men earn 50-70% higher than the average white man and that is statistically proven.

    1. My first serious relationship was at 19 with a Chinese guy. I didn’t see myself as a “rice queen”. I wasn’t until ten years later, when Ifirst visited Asia, that I realised I was a “rice queen”. That’s because I saw in Asia lots of guys that I found attrative whereas in Europe I rarely saw guys I liked.

    2. I am only leaving this comment to prove that you can’t represent all of us.

      As an Asian myself, I believe in spiritual happiness and open-ended exploration, and that why I choose to purse a career in arts even if my parent and many elders disapprove. Guess what? I’ve met more Asians people like me in the community. We might be a small number in comparison, but we do EXIST. For the materialistic things you’ve mention, I believe the only person you can rely on is yourself, so get those things on your own. Do remember what your parents said, “if you are a man, you should provide for yourself”.

  7. I really hope no gay Asian male in a city with a small Asian population reads this. I live in Dallas. The Asian males I’ve come across online don’t act desperate at all. I check out profiles all the time but rarely get responses. I do get messages over and over from mostly other white males who completely ignore my profile preferences. If the amount of messages I get from other white males (when I’m looking for Asian men) is what white men looking for white males experience from Asian males then I can understand why they’d post “no Asians”. I’m at the point where I want to post something similar about white guys.

      1. For me, it’s because the Asian men I’ve been with are better lovers in the fashion I like. They’ve known how to carry on a conversation (that should be part of any hook up). They know how to touch softly. Every action seems so deliberate. Not like they’re going through the motions to get to the fucking but rather each action (touching, sucking, looking at each other while you go at each other) was independently erotic and pleasurable. The men I’ve been with have usually been slightly older ,1-2 years, to much older, 10-20 years. Some of them have been partnered (like myself) or have been partnered in the past. One of them became partnered soon after our fuck buddy relationship ended – we’re friends. All of them have been in the U.S. from about 1 -20 years. I hope this explains something about me.

  8. I get what this is saying, though I’ve never been around this ‘kind’ of dating pool. The author paints a rather scary picture. I’m asian, I’ve dated latinos, asians, causcasians, eurasians… there hasn’t been much problem really. They’re all around my age range 25-28, all attractive, they’ve dated different races too… no one specifically a rice queen. I’m happily committed to my caucasian boyfriend of 3 years now, where i’m his first asian boyfriend after a streak of really hot exes that makes me fantasize about them in magic mike or spartacus. I mean I get that this could be… the general gaysian dating world that I’ve not really experienced? Or maybe if we just don’t stereotype people like this and be an equal opportunist for all, then, somehow maybe this circle of despair wouldn’t happen? Am I making sense? Who am I kidding. Gays.

  9. Sounds to me like you are angry and jealous and have many prejudices. I glanced over the posts…..you also seem to think old men liking younger guys is creepy and there is always a flaw in the relationship. Labels, labels, labels, creepy old man, rice queen, potato queen….labels..the stereotyping tool of persons with prejudices. Sounds to me like maybe you just don’t like old men. Christopher Isherwood did OK with his younger boyfriend…. and there are many other famous examples, in addition to thousands of real life successes. I am an old man with a young Asian boyfriend. There are insecurities in all relationships. In my life, I have dated all imaginable types of men.

    1. Prejudice is the result of relentless years of being living under white supremacy. You honkies believe we are in a post-racial world where feminism is not needed and everybody has equality and freedom. Your statement is a tired and redundant product of white privilege. Of course you think nobody is oppressed! Because you in your white privilege will never have “personal political”. You will never be the receiving end of discrimination. You can walk out in public at night with a hoodie and not be afraid to be shot dead!

      But now the question is to all honkies and rice queens: What are you willing to sacrifice for Asian men?

        1. Haven’t you read anything I wrote? Racism and oppression under imperialist white capitalist patriarchy supremacy has caused me to respond in ways that are self-empowering and speak blinding truth to white people who’s first response is always denial.

          1. Your stupid, everything is from your paranoid racist views. Sorry you can’t find love but with your attitude you will never find lasting love. Closed minded people should be alone so they can’t push there ignorant views on others. I am glad your gay so you can’t have a child to corrupt into so much hate like your parents did. My observation of the gay asian community is the majority is in the closet and your parents will disown you if you come out. Glad I have no need to live like the angry asian homo. Open your mind not your mouth.

        2. But you never answered the real question if you genuinely love the Asian men you prey upon then tell us what are you willing to sacrifice for an Asian man?

          1. I share everything I have with my partners – Asian or otherwise. It is one reason I am not a rich man today. I have read what you wrote. I see a spoiled young man who has not had real hardships in his life. Someone who feels they must save the world from perceived harm…real or not. Someone who is critical of relationships he knows nothing about. Someone who uses charged words that add nothing to the argument instead of attempting an intelligent discourse. Someone who has not answered my question as to what turned him so bitter. A question asked because I wondered if you had any real life experiences.

          2. You are sure getting creepy. For someone I love I will sacfice everything. ..and no I know more feel guilty for a white policeman shooting a black than a black man should feel guilty for a black shooting a white policeman. In South Africa, most, but not all, whites still have all the money.In Nigeria the blacks have most of the money but it’s monopolised by an elite. The majority are poor in both countries and it’s about class and power not colour.

        3. Clearly, you lack any brains for you resort to ad hominem. You attack me without evidence. This is the the World Wide Web. For all you know I could be an aboriginal transgender albino living under a rock on Pluto who is really a robot dressed as a broom.

          But a reality check: How can a person genuinely know the depth and reality of racism and the interrelations of the social forces that oppress people? It’s because I am the recipient of racist oppression and homophobia every fucking day. You’re so white privileged and racist you don’t even know.

          Do you in your little honky brain think that only really oppressed people can’t access the Internet and are too damn ethnic according to your racist brain that they lack the ability to articulate themselves with exacting language?

          I feel sorry for the Asian men who had the misfortune of making a mistake in your favour and being with you in any capacity. You don’t really give a shit about racism. You don’t care about equality. You don’t care about human beings or justice. You just enjoy the spoils of racism and troll bait anyone will to bite online. Mike, your response in inferring people who discuss racism or other forms of oppression is exactly what white people are constantly saying to activist: they are conspiracy theorists who make connections that don’t exist. Your denial is powerful, honky. Your behaviour is exactly why there are still people who genuinely believe the use of Blackface at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario, Canada was a mere harmless prank and not part of a greater system of oppression. You don’t care about Asians at all. You’re a piece of shit! Do the world a favour and kill yourself or at least stay the fuck away from Asian men for the sake of all living things!

          1. You seem to think your special and can use discriminating words but angry homo can’t. You use the word honky so I came from a black community and I am 3/4 white 1/4 active American if I start throwing names out there then I would be crap like you. People lead by example so angry homo must really like you. Your ignorant because you don’t understand racism at all. Why because you are to busy judging racism using racist slurs. Potatota rice taco black won’t go back. N chick spik sand n. Let’s just down grade the gay community. Do you see a problem with you and the sight. Racist are racist of all color creed religion etc…… Love has no boundaries just dumb a** humans with closed minds. I been married to an asian 15 years believe me everybody is set in there ways but you think you can pick who you are attracted to then you or anybody who thinks this has the iq of gerbil. You all will die lonely old racist farts but I know I will die a married man to an asian man. Angry homo he works I am retired and believe it or not this 3/4 white guy was able to retire before 50 yo and will support myself until death with a few bucks left over. Lol. My long term study proves angry homo wrong

          1. I can’t speak for Mike but I would sacrifice anything for the one I love, irrespective of their ethnicity. Sure, if I am single I will tend to notice the asian guys in bars and clubs. But I also notice the redheads. I have a fetish for redheads too…..and it’s completely harmless!

      1. If someone does not like redheads..Well big deal! Do redheads pass the age of 10 give a f@#k? Should they care? Maybe in the future what physical type you like will be irrelevant.

  10. I, being an old 45 year old white man, have dated all kinds of races. I prefer, in this order, Latinos, Whites, and Asians. That being said, my current partner of 11 years is Asian (and *gasp*), 2 years older than me (*gasp*). I have been out 29 years and had lots of guys (*gasp*) whereas I am my partners first (including the first to breed him). I live in Calgary and I find that the only guys that give me the time of day (because I am 25# overweight *gasp*) are Asians between 25 and 55 (and most are pretty toned). In all honesty, I would have rather been with a white guy (*gasp*) but I have someone whom loves me for me (I used to weigh 200# more than my partner when I first met him; now, I only weigh 35# more than him (*double gasp*)). I guess I am lucky. I don’t think of him as Asian (he’s not the stereotypical Asian (tiny and shallow) for sure) but I think of him as my equal (wtf) and sometimes better (I have a temper and he is pretty calm; I love him for that). But, I have to say as a “honkie” “whitie” “bean/rice queen” OR whatever label you people (yes, I said you people) want to espouse, that many of the points in the article are valid (*gasp*). Until people stop focusing on the race/ethnicity of the person and look at the person inside, nothing will ever change.

    1. Do you as a honky ever stop to think why you easily get men of colour? Do you as a honky ever stop to think why it’s a bit easier for you to get what you want in selecting men for a potential boyfriend or sexual partner? As a honky who are you trying to convince that it’s “not about race”? Yourself or others?

      1. For me personally, it is not about race but I realized by your comment, for you it is.

        Stop looking for the honky all the time and look at the person. Lots of good guys regardless of ethnicity.

        Stop being angry as you only will attract enablers.

        1. It’s always funny to me that when white people harm people of colour they’re first reaction to a person of colour’s response is “don’t get angry!” This is the same message white people are telling citizens of Ferguson, Missouri today. It’s like punching someone in the face, telling them they are ugly and stealing their money because they’re not white then to add insult to injury you tell them they have no right to feel anger.

      2. You sound very bitter. A black guy in a Swedish village will “clean up” with the local girls. A white guy in a Ghanaian village will “clean up” with the local girls. As for those who will never date another race….many girls, very many girls, will only date tall men. Too bad for short men but get over it.

  11. With all honesty and straight to the point, White boys are really attractive. Features they have are rarely seen in ither races. Not all of them are good looking but a huge number are. It’s undeniable, i think. But few white biys are real. Plenty of them are Plastic, shallow,superficial, narcissistic, snobbish and more. Why would you want someone like that in your life? sex? yes, Relationship, maybe? Marriage, No? Sometimes, i come across so many good looking white boys that i just look straight or look down not to look cos hell so gorgeous. haha. So Instead I fix my eyes on asians I find to support our cause! Go Asians! 😀

    1. “With all honesty and straight to the point, White boys are really attractive. Features they have are rarely seen in ither races.” Are you being sarcastic?

  12. This doesn’t contradict what you wrote, but makes Jordon’s comment understandable.
    Assuming 10 million relatively active gay people in the US, 50% Caucasian, and 5% Asian. Assume 10% Caucasians attracted to Asians, and 50% Asians attracted to Caucasians. This is sad, I know. That would be 500,0000 looking for an Asian, and 250,000 looking for Whites. At least in the US, Asians would find it easier to hook-up, form a relationship, or whatever with Whites that vice versa. One has to get away from San Francisco, LA, and New York. I had an Asian friend who found it difficult to meet Caucasians in New York, but in Chicago, which has a relatively low Asian population, he said he was bedding multiple ( White )partners a day.

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  14. I think the author is making a mistake saying Asian people can be racist in the context of a world globally under white supremacy. Saying a person of colour is racist is a myth. Certainly, people of colour can experience hatred and develop prejudice as all people can-hence, the human condition. Racism however is sociologically a power dynamic. People of colour cannot benefit the way white people do from discriminating others based on their race-at least not without hurting themselves too in the bigger picture. Only white people can benefit from white supremacy and racism-the two come hand in and hand. While oppression under white supremacy is vertical this means that at the top is white people and the very bottom are Black people and in between are all the ranges of human phenotypes. People of colour cannot benefit the same way from a horizontal from of oppression that they enact on each other. I believe there must be some kind of healing process to help curb and possibly end horizontal violence within disenfranchised communities. The real enemy is the vertical oppression of racism aka white supremacy.

        1. Insults asshole remember I’m a rice queen my average dick size is bigger then your dick. You whining cry baby. Insult is all you have your so ignorant that you don’t realize you little punk is my dick is above average so is my Asian husband you ignorant ass angry homo. You are a very sad case. Dumb ass.
          Don’t you wish you had my life of luxury with the person I love of more years then anyone could stand with you. Will marry legally in America in the fall. Lol. You can’t even come out. Shut the hel up you racist closest case angry jealous lonely homo. Lonely for life. Haha. You deserve yourself and that’s all you’ll ever have. I live free with my Asian husband. Also dumb homo I am 1/4 American Indian study you know we might of come from Asia but my people smarter then you. Shamanic religion. Maybe you should speak when spoken too because your ignorant insults has no backing. Keep hating you fool and hate will bite your little ass. Yin yang

    1. What a load of trollop. Chinese billionaires are not more oppressed than poor whites from South carolinia. Power is all about money not race.

  15. There are *tons* of white guys interested in Asians. Not a majority, but it’s still a lot. The problem is that they aren’t equally going for all Asians, they are fighting over the cutest sexiest smartest most elite 5% of the Asians — and these elite Asians are so in demand that they can be jerks and have their pick of whichever white guy (who likes Asians) that they want. And the rest of the Asians who are less desirable than this elite 5% don’t get any attention and blame it on racism but their failures aren’t due to the fact that they’re Asian, it’s because they just as an individual person aren’t desirable enough. If I’m not in the top 5% most desirable white guys I also have this trouble getting attention from guys I like, but I don’t blame it on racism, I have to face reality and blame it on my own personal failures.

    1. Attraction is in the eyes of the beholder same as love has no bud arise when you start labeling people and just out right blame a group of people like the racist homo who started the bs. When people learn to love and respect people as equals then they might find their better half but when you want to control the world like this angry homo then he will be a lonely closet case homo who dies without knowing love because angry homo is into pushing hate. He really loves white guys before he got his heart broken.

  16. Hi, this part you wrote… “What bothers me is the perverse power dynamic that lets rice queens exploit their position for immense pleasure at the expense of gay Asians” .. was very well said and its true, white guys do this, it’s using their “so called” white power to overpower someone else… I feel sick when I see old men like this.. and to be honest, they are actually the type of people that have no respect for themselves because they have given up dating white, black, or anyone and use their power and when overseas in Asian countries their money to attract asian guys, are abrupt or abusive, over dominate, because they think they can. Makes me so angry and sad at the same time because I think Asian cultures, the way asian people live and their ideals are so innocent in today’s world… Im a white guy and I think asian guys, their look, the cultures, the mindset they have on life is amazing and all of these things are incredibly attractive to me but when I’m dating an Asian guy I worry that I’m being judged or put into that category where Asian guys are seen as a piece of meat by old men that don’t have any respect for them as a person or even want to know them.

  17. To be honest this post is too generalising, I personally am not attracted sexually to white men, I only find Asian men attractive, particularly Korean men. This is not due to any racist reason or fettish it is just what I like, theres nothing I can do to control that. I have a boyfriend, I am in love with him, I don’t abuse or hurt Asian men, I look for someone i can love and be with forever.

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  21. Fascinating exchange! I share all the indignation and mystification that my fellow Asian gay brothers have expressed. I am a 50 year old gay fourth generation Japanese American guy who was born and raised in Los Angeles. I knew that I was gay when I was 5. I ran away from home when I was 18 to join the Army -where I came out. I am a masculine guy. I am considered handsome and look younger than my years. When I got kicked out of the Army for being gay, I returned to Los Angeles thinking that I would get a warm reception from my “tribe” -the gay male community. This was 1984. What I immediately sensed, perceived and experienced was prejudice and being treated as undesirable, an object of disdain and invisible. I was pretty and young, but I had the personality of someone who was not going to be your china doll, geisha or fuck toy. I did not possess the “charms” of stereotypical gay Asian men, so RiceQueens did not find me alluring at all. In fact, I think that I intimidated them. When older White men hit on me, I would be nice to them but clear in my complete disinterest.

    I quickly realized that in the economy of gay sex and love, Asian men were not in high demand. Going out with my good-looking White friends, I felt positively invisible. This sense of invisibility led me to drink excessively. I had endured the closet for 19 years for this? But there were always those who saw me, appreciated me and wanted to get to know me as an equal (as I would have it no other way).

    In those days, sadly, I would date the next cute guy who showed me any attention without seriously evaluating that person’s suitability or character. Not having dated in Junior High School or High School, I simply lacked the social skills and experience to navigate romantic love and attraction. Also, I had very old fashion notions about sex, monogamy and would never consider hooking up or going to bath house or sex club. Mind you, this was before computers, cell phones or apps.

    Noticing the supply/demand disparities, I quickly realized that by dating Black men, I could tap into their anger and indignation and find a source of mirroring around my own oppression from a common enemy: dominant White gay culture. During my late twenties, my anger toward White men and the gay media and mass media in fact, blossomed along with my alcoholism and my anger toward my family for never offering me support for growing up in the closet and damned near suicidal. Rage, loneliness, isolation, frustration characterized my early thirties. Around 32, in a fit of disgust at my victimhood, I resolved to beat the bastards at their own game. I started to hit the gym, gained muscle and got ripped. I buzzed my hair and grew a goatee. I bought clothes that showed off my body and I started to go out to clubs by myself -looking to hook up. My marketing strategy paid off. I began to attract more men and a wider variety of men. Soon I was hooking up and having casual sex with men that I had only previously dreamed of being with. My odyssey of sex was frenetically paced and driven by a distinct and intense need -not just for sex, touch, intimacy, connection, but -REVENGE.

    My friends rejoiced for me and commented that I was “finally acting like a gay man.” I guess being a slut, to them, was acting like a gay man. I was in a 13 year relationship with an Italian American man who was not a Rice Queen by the way. Although we had a lot in common (got sober together, went to therapy at the same time, gained a deeper understanding of what it means to be gay men, learned how to confront our families and stand up for our gay selves), I still was in the role of educator. I had to teach him and so many other lovers about White privilege and unearned privileges. How race operates in the gay community. How he held “chips” that I did not. It angered him and frustrated him -because this was the first time that he had to consider his own racial identity. He would conflate the issues and start talking about his impoverished, uneducated and abusive family and childhood -so as to point out that relatively speaking I had it good. He tried to flip the script and talk about class -as White people often do when it is suddenly convenient to be the least privileged person standing. This enraged me and devastated me and eventually led to the end of the relationship. He definitely grew and learned how to be sensitive to my issues/feelings, but it was always so “intentional” and nor instinctual -as someone who knows how it feels to be erased and castrated for being Asian.

    I ended up going back to college and earning my BA and MA in clinical psychology. That is when I developed a more nuanced way to discuss race, gender, class, masculinity, femininity, power, patriarchy, misogyny, homophobia and the internalized forms of all of these prejudices. It became more important for me to excavate my layers of self-hatred and to locate all of the places where the shame for being Asian and gay was hiding. I cannot change someone who does not want to change or lacks the capacity to see within himself. But I sure as hell can change myself and be the best man that I can be. As my youth fades, I feel a new sense of purpose blooming inside of me. I had my fun and got my revenge -for the most part. But it was never meant to last.

    All of my anger and critiques of White men who patronize and exploit men of color are as valid as they were back in 1984. But the difference is that living in a reactive fashion always on the defense is the poorest strategy to grow rich in this economy. If I am a rare commodity -that rarest of Asian gay men who doesn’t let racism or homophobia or misogyny or any combination thereof destroy his peace of mind but, instead, inspires him to work on sustainable solutions and pave the way for future generations, then I am one of the winners in this fucked up game. My heart goes out to all the gay Asian men who express exasperation and anger. I know your pain and I share your rage. Let’s come together and support each other if not face to face, then through these sites. Eric.

  22. I am a GWM from Vancouver where the Asian population is almost 50% Happy to say that the trend here has been evolving so that there is more equality in relationships: young white gay men who have always been a minority in inner city schools are seeking Asian men their age. Older Asian men are finding same are or younger partners of any race. Older white guys like myself are becoming more confident with aging – there are a whole group of slightly older baby boomers who refuse to get old and bitter – so we don’t feel the need to reclaim our youth by fucking Asian “twinks”. We can hang out and be platonic friends and still get our daddy/mentor emotional fix (it’s often more about this need than any privilege)

    It’s not perfect. Black men are often fetishized or reject by all other races. Aboriginal gays in Canada are stigmatized and ignored because they often aren’t as financially well off and have to overcome a lot of social issues in their own community (much like US Latinos)

    I am very sorry to hear that in many parts of North America this tired old rice/potato bullshit dichotomy still exists like it did in the 90s. I HOPE THE Rest Of My Story Gives YOU HOPE. We should never be food groups.

    I was turning into a “rice queen” myself at age 36. I didn’t have much economic privilege as a semi employed supply teacher / masters student. However, I still fell in love, for the first time since dating mostly white younger guys, with Filipino and HK men. I like smooth skin and boyish faces with intelligence and kindness in their eyes. I had dated enough bitchy Bowieque WASPS and pouty Quebecois French lads that Vancouver Asians were warm and kind; and hot.

    However, I got older and age differences started to be noticeable in energy levels and interests. (Ás an ESL teacher I loved cultural difference so I wanted that in my personal life too).

    Eventually, most of my dating turned to Asian men. But I didn’t feel huge power imbalances because most of the Asian men I dated in Van were far wealthier than me. Also, because of Red Lantern club nights and large social networks my Asian friends had a lot of social clout here.

    To get more stable employment and away from the grief of an ex bf (red haired white – 6 years younger) who died of AIDS. I moved to Japan.

    In Nihonjin, I learned how some Asian guys here feel. First of all, I realized 50% of any Japanese men from 18 to 60 were drop dead gorgeous to me. I was in candy culture shock. BUT the most effeminate and colourful men were straight as arrows with tough pushy gfs and almost 90 percent of Nihonjin gays would not go neAR a Gaijin (foreigner). Foreigners can only get into about 6 bars out of the 300 in Shinjuku Nichome. The only Chinese I ever saw get laid was a buff guy with an 8 inch cock.

    So the remaining 10% gay Japanese, and those were many in Nichome, were only interested in me for two things. My hairy body (the bigger the better) and my supposed sexual prowess. I had a different sexual partner every weekend in what became a stupid sex addicted desperate quest for love and affection. After a year of this, surprisingly still uninfected by any STD (condoms work) I was become both lonely and a shallow egotistical queen. So I went celibate for four months.

    After that I found a bf. He turned out to be the most wounded, jealous, possessive person I have ever dated. He also wanted me fatter like sumo and kept feeding me pizza. More importantly, I found out that the major reason many Japanese gays of the 10% who dated whites were doing so because we represented the allure of “Western Freedom”. An escape from the closeted, rigid, social mores of the time.

    There were some cool aspects. I realized that I found older Asian men hot too and they were so cultured and sophisticated. But unlike me; closeted. It was like going back in time 20 years. All bars and baths; no community – barely a choir and few sports and other clubs. I hated it.

    As a barely middle income tightwad Canadian I hardly fit the bill that some of these rich business men from Europe and America epitomized. Yes I met the real ricers who lived in Japan for 20 years who never learned the language and who went to Thailand every six months to buy and fuck teen Asian twinks. They talked about our common Japanese friends like cattle and meat. It was gross. I was ashamed to be white.

    I thought to myself “if I stay here; I could end up either like these assholes or have them as my only GWM friends: with a bf constantly dreaming about using me as a stepping stone to North America which may never happen: (even Canada didn’t have gay marriage yet).
    I was also on the verge of diabetes as my body changed from stocky to bear.

    So I started dating a Filipino guy in Tokyo and felt some balance again. Then I went back to Vancouver where I felt I could date Asian men and “not be freaking spoiled” because of the relative equality.

    Back in Vancouver I had lost my “ricer” traits. I was totallt turned off by the promiscuity of gay sex that Japanese thought of as sporty wet sex.I had sex less often, cuddled far more. I stopped having anal sex altogether. I didn’t want to top and dominate any man ever again (unless I fell in love) only to be tossed off without love. (I’ve been celibate for 5 years now once I learned in 2010 I was still negative though four of my partners have since died of HIV).

    Now I have close friendships with many Asian men of all ages. I played around with a couple of them but usually temporarily and only after our friendship bonds were so solid that it didn’t matter. I also do business with these guys; one of them is my RMT, another is my real estate agent; another is my financial advisor.

    About half of them have been in my indie films and music videos and I have worked on theirs. I turor and show tour Korean, Chinese, and Japanese gay men visiting Canada without charge or sexual trade. Some of them are lifelong pen pals to this day. I find these lads through progressive sites like Fridae.Com

    The sexplotation of my youth – on both sides of the food chain – has been gone for 15 years since age 40. And I am not the only GWM who went through this and have come out as better more équitable people. Also we have been delighted to see our Asian Bros grow into our self confident BFFs many in stable, loving relationships, race regardless, some raising adopted kids who have become our toddler nephews and nieces.

    So friends in less liberated places; there is light at the end of this tunnel… for all of us.

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