Creepy old guys dating young guys is a very common phenomena in the gay world. While no one knows exactly how common it is, it seems like every third couple you see on the street is age mismatched to a visible degree.
Probably because there’s a dearth of date-able gay guys out there, some young guys fall prey to an older gay guy who, because he’s more experienced, works his charms on the younger guy to the point where both parties think they’re in a real, committed relationship.
It’s a symbiotic relationship whereby the young guy gets emotional support and stability that’s almost impossible to find in other young gay guys, and the older guy gets a younger, sexier partner he can wear like a trophy.
Despite the fact that things may look alright on the surface, this is a extraordinarily screwed up situation, and I speak from experience. You see, the reason why such relationships form in the first place is that both parties are clinging to each other like life preservers.
The older guy, being of an age where his youthful looks have faded (if he ever had them in the first place) and is therefore no longer sellable, has few alternatives – he will take just about any young guy emotionally stable enough to hold a conversation and at least slightly-below-average looks.
The young guy, emotionally exhausted after suffering umpteen failed relationship-attempts with deadbeat guys who can’t commit to brushing their teeth every morning, much less stay monogamous for longer than 48 hours, is quite relieved to find a stable, older man who is not only willing to be faithful but practically worships him.
All is fine and dandy, except that both parties are deluding themselves, and sooner or later one of the two will pull their heads out of the sand (generally the younger guy, who has way more options) and the whole thing will fall apart.
The younger guy doesn’t truly want an creepy older man (who could be his father) as a boyfriend or partner. Not by a long shot. He’s clinging to papa because he’s frustrated and emotionally bruised, and papa offers safety and comfort. The gay dating world can be horrifically harsh. Everyone seems to be in it for themselves. A lot of younger guys have no money because they’re working at Starbucks and/or studying some dead-end major in college. The ones who have two dimes to rub together are often cocky and overly career-focused, perhaps to compensate for their broken childhoods or just the shame of being homosexual.
Older men are generally financially stable. They offer a mature emotional perspective and having been through the struggles of being a young homosexual, can offer guidance to a young gay man that no one else can. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re willing to foot the bill for nice dinners, opera tickets, and vacations to Europe.
Both parties feel insecure with the arrangement. The younger guy is worried that the older guy will replace him with a younger model, particularly as time passes. The richer the older guy, the more vulnerable is the younger guy to replacement.
The older guy is worried that the younger guy is totally out of his league in terms of looks and youthfulness, and might one day will want to date someone his own age, not his father’s.
All this, of course, is in addition to the obvious logistical problems of age mismatched dating. Both will be at different stages in their careers. The younger guy is probably going to have more energy and better health. The older guy may be completely un-presentable to the younger guy’s parents. And supposing the relationship lasts, what is the younger guy left with when he’s barely 50 years old, with potentially many years left to go, and the older guy is dead? [CORRECTION: his pension, perhaps]
And when the whole house of cards falls apart (and I’m willing to bet that it will), both parties are going to be angry homosexuals. The older guy will feel abandoned and mistreated, and the younger guy will wonder why he wasted months or even years of his youth dating papa. At least that’s the experience of yours truly.
The solution, of course, is age-appropriate dating. Yes, most guys out there are bastards. Only a small percentage are dateable. But let’s face it – there *are* good guys out there your own age. You just need to persist until you find one. Don’t waste your time and your youth. You only live once, so date a hot, young guy your own age before you turn into papa.
I can understand why the relationship referred to fell apart. I have this strange (not really strange) feeling that the author has major problems with “age-appropriate” relationships as well. This article is the perfect example of the simplicity of the stereotypical gay “ageism” so often mentioned when gay culture is discussed. Good job on fulfilling the expectations of flighty, condescending attitudes of the stereotypical gay man.
Correction: I know this post is over 3 years old. Hopefully in that time things have changed for you for the better.
The the OP that posted this, I have to say you have some issues you personally need to self-address.
First off, I find it very rude to call “older” people who date and hit on younger guys as “creepy old men” Who the hell do you think you are to judge, and label people that are older than you as something negative in the first place.
Second, older people don’t try to take advantage of younger people in this day and age. At least not anymore because they have enough knowledge and sense that it’s stupid and wrong. Also “younger” people can make up their own damn minds and say “no”
Only in america are people so age obsessed and physical obsessed that it takes away the positive attributes of positive sexual, and non-sexual relationships. If you were in a failed relationship that you were taken advantage of from an “older” person then that’s your problem and you shouldn’t generalize and entire “populace” as “creepy old men” That’s your own damn fault. Just count it as a learning experience and move on. Quick example, A black guy picks a fight with you. Are you going to generalize and entire populace as mean and violent? Of course not, some people are good and some people are not good. Commonsense.
Thirdly, there is no such thing as age mismatched dating. Only in your narrow-minded mind are you so focused on age. As if you dated someone your age would be any better or worse. People of all ages can be dogs, coniving, evil, bogus, gold diggers, and try to take advantage of people. Hell, I know a lot of younger people (gay and straight) take advantage of older people. So don’t just say it’s always older taking advantage of younger. That’s just not true and you’re full of shit.
So I know you posted this post over a year ago and hopefully you’ve come to your senses and now realize that your post is semi-bogus as hell.
Its probably true to an extent, but we should also look at the chronology of gay social history. Those currently in their 20s probably had a little bit of an easier time coming out than those in their 30s, let alone those in their 40s and 50s. My partner is only 7 years older than me and told me his ‘coming out’ story, which was full of tears from his mother who wished that she had known earlier so she could have offered more emotional support. I didnt have one. Ive just always been gay and my family bad always known and never made an issue of it.
One day, sometime in senior year of highschool (1997), she said ‘Its hard to be you, your mom worry about you. Please dont get AIDS’. It was a shock, not because she was worried, but because she had watched the San Francisco Real World season with Pedro and saw how Puck picked on him. No one picked on me in school. I was called fag a few times in the hallway but each time, someone I barely knew would physically come to my defense.
Im not sure how it is today since I live in a such a tiny self created bubble, but I imagine coming out isnt such a big deal socially, although the personal experience might be quite different.
You know what’s really creepy? A bitter, angry, cynical self-hating gay minority with a massive inferiority complex who’s obsessed with and extremely judgemental towards other people’s preferences and relationships. I guess “angry homosexual” is an appropriate name for your site. I just hope that the younger and less experienced reading this take it with a tiny grain of salt. It’s just your opinion based on unfortunate sh*tty circumstances that have shaped you into a bitter queen. That sucks, but don’t try dissuading others from finding love. Creep.
Actually, it’s a well known fact that many of them seek older men because it’s their comfort zone as many were raped and molested by progressed as children
wtf…um no, that’s not true.
really? Do you have the evidence of that? The vast majority of gays were never molested. There are plenty of gold digging young gays but so are many hetrosexual young women. When I was 18 any body more than five years older was unappealing. However, I have met many young gays, especially effeminate ones, who aren’t interested in spotty youths in their school. They want a real man, and, as any women will tell you, all men are boys until age 30!😂
I’ll throw in my two cents. When I turned 40, a friend of mine in his 60s told me I was headed for interesting times, that there are a lot of young guys who love ‘daddies’, when he got to his 40s they came out of the woodwork. I don’t identify as a ‘daddy’ as in wanting a ‘boy’ and I have no preference for younger or older guys. I like attractive men, who doesn’t, but I would prefer one from my generation for a serious commitment and I don’t equate youth with ‘hot’ necessarily, it can actually be very unattractive on some people.
My friend was prophetic, as I went through my 40s as a single guy who takes very good care of himself, I was meeting more and more younger guys. It’s still happening in my early 50s. It’s been nearly impossible to meet interesting guys around my age, they’re all married or into young guys and I wouldn’t mind another long term relationship in this stage of life.
I’m fairly jaded and immune to getting overwhelmed by crushes and romance so I feel I have a fairly zen outlook on it all, emotionally detached. It’s interesting that I’m getting objectified as a fetish every bit as much as young people in their physical prime get objectified. Some of these guys have a whole harem of middle aged guys to call on, some are incapable of deep emotional exploration. It’s all good, sex and dating is complex, but to suggest that an older person is somehow guilty of being a predator because of their age and a younger person, maybe even 30 years old, is somehow innocent, is ridiculous.
They’re called chickenhawks for a reason….
My point is, people shouldn’t judge an inter-generational couple on the surface, looking at the older person as a ‘creep’, when there may be just as many ‘chicken hawks’ as there are daddy chasers. Someone who actively pursues older men is hardly a victim and neither is an adult who accepts a date with an older person. Of course I’m not attempting a dialog here, I’m posting this for others.
maybe you should write your own blog then because only trolls like us, you Dave555 and me read the comments section
It took me a few paragraphs to realize this article is not satire.
Yes, me too. And the fact that it’s not satire is what’s really creepy.
I’m White. At the end of the day, so many relationships from the outside are looked upon as “Why”? And those same two folks happily stay together for many years. I’ve had a 5 year relationship with a Chinese partner that was 5 years younger. It was fabulous. Smooth sailing more than anything. What’s 5 years ? God, when you hit 40, what is 10 years up or down ? I’ve had best friends from 20-70 my whole life. I was always drawn to intelligence and humor. At the end of the day, enjoyable conversation, friendship, humor, etc make for the glue of 2 people whether friends or lovers. My last partner and I would sometimes lay in the bed and laugh together from wake up until 3 PM on a Saturday. Where do you “buy” that at? I wouldn’t toss laughter out of my bed even if he was younger or older than me. I’m single again and open to any race including Asians. My profile on gay.com: simplymike
No thanks!
What is a white man willing to sacrifice for an Asian man?
In case I hadn’t mentioned earlier I’m a white male myself . My first experience with an Asian man was with one of these “creepy older guys.” Thank God for him 😉 .
I don’t understand what’s got you so bitter, haha.
The gay dating world is harsh, awful, blah blah blah. Does that mean “age-appropriate” dating is the only solution? No, of course not. I’ve met men much like the older men you’ve described in this article — believe me, I’ve had many an experience with the thirsty ones.
However, you can’t just declare that ALL men do this , because you had a shitty experience. If anything, you should take that experience, look at yourself, and say “How can I not be such a desperate clingy fuck if I ever meet another older man?”
Because from the looks of it — you’re part of the problem.
I met my Japanese partner just over ten years ago when he was 30 & I was 39. Sure on a good day he looked 25 & on a bad day I looked 45, did we look creepy..?? Maybe to the few sad cases like the author of this article, but to everyone else we just looked in love, because that’s what we were, and still are. It’s sad that the author is angry that he can’t find love, but there are plenty of other non Asian guys who can’t find love…
Thank you for the wonderful comments that talk of genuine love between to human beings in rebuttal to this creepy post. I’ll echo the comments about bears and throw in a cheer for muscle bears!
Labeling a consensual, loving relationship between two men “creepy” says more about the labeler than the couple. When we engage in this judgement, aren’t we as guilty of narrow-mindedness as straights who call gay relationships “unnatural”?
Every relationship we have is an opportunity for personal growth. I’m curious to know if you interviewed these couples and know of the emotional needs and the levels of the maturity of the guys in these couples? You don’t site any examples other than your own self-described failed experience. Why was OK for you to try, but not for them? A relationship is only a failure if we don’t learn from it.
How long do most gay relationships last anyway? And for that matter what about straight relationships these days? Heterosexual divorce rates are through the roof. It says more about the disfunctionality of human culture these days than gays.
We get out of a relationship what we bring into it. Happy couples were happy singles first. There are some people who are more emotionally evolved and self-actualized because they have worked through their issues and continue to grow. It’s best if partners grow together so they can overcome the bad times and get more out of the good times.
It is not for us to say what age appropriate is for two other consenting adults.
Thank you Dragon, for your affirming comments!
Then i suggest u go to US, especially like NY, because people there don’t care your race, they care your class.
Um no… they care about both.
and they care about age more than either.
I met my husband when I was 43 and he was 21. After frequent contact over several years and an ocean, we decided to try to make a go of it, and moved together to Canada, where our relationship continues to this day. I am now 64 and he is 42. We love each other and love each other’s families. He had no problem introducing me to his Asian family and I was proud to bring him to meet my Caucasian family. My 92 year old Mom adores him, and his Mom hugs me whenever we visit.
We have always treated each other as equals. We have been legally married for 11 years, and are now planning our retirement, or maybe semi-retirement, together. We have certainly had our challenges, but I have found the cultural gap to be much more profound and difficult than the age gap.
You don’t sound angry to me. It’s worse than that; you sound bitter and cynical. I don’t think you know enough to judge what is “age appropriate,” and you certainly don’t know enough to judge other men’s marriages, so please don’t. I hope you can find whatever you need to get over your disappointments, but denouncing other relationships is not the road to healing, wisdom, or anything wholesome. We all know the gay men’s community is riddled with racism and obsessed with body image, looks, age, clothing, and many other trivial things. But there is also love, commitment, flexibility, and friendship. My husband and I have been lucky enough to find it, as have many of our both married and single friends. I hope everyone reading this can put aside the cynicism and find it too, whatever “it” is for you. It’s worth it, and way more fun than anger.
Nice to see a story of someone who has made it work. My partner is 33 and I’m 21, and I can’t count how many times I’ve been ridiculed by these guys who think I’m just a gold digger and my partner just has a fetish. Kinda sad seeing people in this community being so judgmental and close-minded.
Thank you for this Andrew. Age stereotyping is quite vicious among gay men. It always has been. But my experience proves to me, and my husband, that age is way overrated. It seems you are having a similar experience; your private life disproves the nonsense you hear about the age difference between you. I wish you both the very best!
I’m an older man of 44 that dates and lives with a younger man of 25. We have a normal relationship. I don’t have the need to feel younger than I am. He doesn’t need a daddy figure or someone to take care of him. We are both well off financially. We enjoy the same things, age not being a factor. So maybe you’ve had a negative experience but you’re placing everyone a category that isn’t necessarily true.
White guys may look hot, but that’s about it. Most have no idea how to give a decent blow job if they’re life depended on it. Give me an Asian or a black guy any day. And when it comes to fucking, white guys have no idea how to fuck. They are lame fuckers. I am white guy who knows how to fuck and suck. That’s why Asians love me and so do black guys. Fucking a white young virgin boy is pretty good. That’s about it.
I think that you bring up some very valid arguments, albeit they are a little judgmental. One thing I think that you definitely left out is that sometimes when you like another guy, it’s not because of his money or emotional stability but because he is just a really great person to be around. I was 23 and dated a 35 year old and it was really great. We dated for 2 years and I didn’t leave the relationship feeling like I wasted time; I also, know for a fact that he didn’t feel mistreated when it was over. Of course, some of the points you bring up are hilariously true (money in my situation), but whenever he took me to wonderful dinners, or even the time that we spent two weeks on a boat off the coast of Mustique, I never once felt weird about the situation (possibly because I had all to gain), but we enjoyed each other’s company and he wanted to go on vacation with me. It’s no different than someone who is your same age asking you to do something extravagant. But maybe it is because our situation wasn’t so ordinary. I have my own success and didn’t need him to help me out, rather sometimes I would treat us to something exciting. Obviously not as lavish as fourteen days on a yacht, but you know what I mean. In essence, I think that you forget that sometimes people can make a connection no matter the age difference. Also, to be honest is it any of our business to judge someone on that? We are all gay and have faced some form of judgment in our lives, why would we start judging other people’s relationships? Just my two cents.
Your two cents is worth much more than that. Thanks for your post. You are right about the judgmental nature of this post and some of the responses.
You might be right. But I think you’re judging this situation based on your own failed experience. Unfortunately people get into relationships all the time that don’t work, whether the same age or not. I’m sure you must have got into the relationship originally because you liked the guy. If you didn’t then that is your issue, and you can only blame yourself. What other guys do is their business to be honest. Yep, have to admit when I see a guy who is considerably older than his young, usually Asian, boyfriend I do get kind of judgemental. But really a lot of the time these guys look happy so who am I to judge. Let’s face it the whole gay scene is pretty screwed up. Ps. I’m an older guy who has met a younger guy -over ten years age difference, but I also like some guys that are older than me and the same age…so what does that make me?
I guess he would say that makes you creepy, but I think you are honest, and I appreciate your comments.
Why do we have to judge each other ?
Just allow each other to be.
You cannot force choices on another person.
I imagine people take comfort in what little pleasure they can get in an often harsh and unforgiving world.
Work on developing yourself.
There are many resources out there.
Take responsibility for yourself.
Men are growing in awareness.
There is the MGTOW movement.
I feel very sad that all of this is happening in the US.
I am from London in the UK.
I am 53.
Mixed race.
I really really like Asian Guys (in the American use of the word)
There are few Asian guys here.
Lots of “Indian” guys.
No one really like them.
That is another story !
There seem to keep to themselves or hanker after older white gay men as mentioned in your article.
(In the UK Asian means “Indian” by the way !)
I choose to go my own way.
I am very happily non-scene.
It makes you absolutely normal.
It makes you weird, duh! Just kidding. I agree with what you say totally. The guy I’m with now is 18 years younger (I’m 45). However, when I was 26, I was in love with a 40 year old but didn’t have the balls to follow through (we still talk though).
I’m judgemental like you stated you feel sometimes toward those like us and even myself (wondering if people think I’m a Daddy or I’m his “charity work” (whole other can of worms)).
I met him because he likes sports (not in the ooh look at the guys ass way but look, that jerk is a ball hog and that’s why the team lost way). No sex for 3 weeks until after the Superbowl (we met just before the wild card playoffs in 2012) as there was no sexual attraction on either side initially (which was fine).
Believe me or not, some people look better when they gets older. Judging from your posts, I believe that you’re not into bear culture. So just let you know that there are people like me, having a strong preference on guy with belly (NO, NO six pack please), although I can confidentially say I’m muscular enough to get a swimmer-type guy if i want to.
And so, to be bear, they need to be mature enough – when their beard is fully developed, and get a bit fat on their belly. They still look gorgeous, owing a meaty body (hugging them is a wonderful experience). Plus, in general, bear guys are far more friendly than other types of gay, no one complained you’re gaining weight, telling you to diet, or calling you rice/potatoes queen.
I’m speaking of my own experience, they are so welcoming, caring and chill. And again, you can have beard when you’re young, but you can only become a bear when you get older – being bear comes being mature and wise. For that reason, young guys like me can fall for them. And yes, bears can be Asian, black, white, latin, so race is a less serious issue in bear culture.
Yes, I like older bear guys. But it doesn’t mean that because i cant get a young skinny guy so i compromise. I’m just so sick of the younger guys’ immature behaviors.
It’s been my experience that white bears are just as racist as other gay white guys. Sure, they are not as shallow about weight, but when it comes to race, their white privilege allows them to be surrounded by mostly other white bears and they don’t have to care about diversity or whatever. They are not even aware that they’re being racist.
re: potentially racist bear comment. I’ve often wondered about the whiteness of the queer community and what maintains this. Theory: A mass exodus of the well-off suburban queers and the influx of tourist queers who don’t know where else to go. Many of us resent listening to bad music in a poorly maintained bar that is extorting us for 9$ beers. Women, trans people, racialized people, differently abled people and queers not between the age of 18-45 are not particularly welcomed. The bars in the suburbs are often lame, and so when the queer rural to urban migration influx happens, inner city queers sometimes evacuate to cooler, more inclusive and more affordable venues. I think if the business collaborative on the street wants to save the queer neighbourhood in Toronto anyways, they are going to have to change this. Non-diverse in Toronto equates to “uncool”.
Article: Some things are well put. I sometimes think that a lot of young queers are abandoned by their families and are replacing the support network they would otherwise have had if straight. When it comes to young queers under 25, I find this arrangement often off putting. There is power in emotional maturity and a responsibility to not use it to gain power over those who have less.
I agree with you for the most part on this post, though I think I should add some thoughts and clarifications to your idea about “and the older guy gets a younger, sexier partner he can wear like a trophy”
do you really believe this? by saying that, you are implying that younger guys have more value because they are prettier and sexier.
that sort of makes sense, except my experience is the opposite. maybe i have a huge conscious and maybe it’s because i’m only 30, but i would feel super nervous about dating a much younger guy. i wouldn’t show him off proudly, because i’d be afraid that people will judge me as being a creepy old creepster, even if our relationship actually were beautiful and equal.
anyway, your thoughts are fine but maybe you should be a little more nuanced about situations. your harshness is kind of a turnoff and distracts us from actually appreciating the good points that you make.
Creepy gay Japanese people said us that “hey show your cunt dick to Trent Reznor”, totally nuts! They are an advertising agency who was hired by him.
EO, vomiting. Who the fuck is Trent Reznor? What a hell? Old gay still alive?
So we said “We don’t know such an old zombie.” They were stalkers, kind of zombies.
This is exactly the situation I’m I right now, but how do I tell the older guy I want to stop talking to him?
Did you get out of your situation? Perhaps don’t “cut him off.” Keep him as a friend. Respond to him when you need to get away from your younger friends. Older men know younger men want to be around younger people. I wish I’d had wiser, older men in my life when I was younger. Perhaps someone with connections.
You really should write on much more topic. Those writings are hilarious (bitter-sweet funny actually, part of it because it’s so true..LOL) yet eye opening at the same time, especially for those who is willing to open their eyes. Cheers!
I’m commenting not because I’m angry. I’m not. I do see many (not all) age mismatched coupling as lame. Gay dating is 10 times harder than straight dating, even straight people have a lot of age mismatched couples around. Give the gays some slack.
Unfortunately many young gays are immature (or otherwise crippled by language, lack of social skills, etc) that they can’t survive in the adult world in the first place. Learning to be adults the hard way will waste just as many years of their youth as dating an older guy, with even more hardship. Being smart and learning fast is the only cure (to reduce the number of years spent learning), for some that is not an option.
As for the older guys, it is unfortunate that they didn’t have the opportunity to date as a young man because they were closeted or were raising children. Those that maintain their health well will be attractive as older gays, they will get considerably better dates than immature young gays, i.e. guys nearer their age and have better emotional skills. Those that don’t maintain their health well due to hard partying, drugs, guilt trips, social isolation, etc. in the past will have to take whatever they can get.